Religious Humour

Sorry, Folks. I am a sucker for Religious Jokes. No offense intended!

Four nuns are sitting along side one another in a pew waiting to confess their sins to the priest.

The priest says to the first nun, "What is your sin?"

She says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have been thinking about a man."

The priest replies, "Go to the holy water, make the sign of the cross, and say a Hail Mary."

The priest says to the second nun, "What is your sin?"

She says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I touched a man."

The priest replies, "Go to the holy water, wash your hands, and say five Hail Marys."

The priest says to the third nun, "What is your sin?"

She says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had intercourse with a man."

Before the priest could speak the fourth nun stands up and says, "Can I wash out my mouth before she douches?"

Who was Jesus really?

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Mary. "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on; that will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!"

The Top 16 Things Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally

16. "If they make us do one more friggin' Macarena, I'm converting to Judaism."

15. "You guys up for happy hour at Hooters after we're done here?"

14. "One more chorus of 'Kumbaya' and I'm gonna blow chunks!"

13. "Man, I see the Washington Monument in a whole new light."

12. "Excuse me - When does Minister Farrakhan come on?"

11. "I'm more of a Promise Breaker. I just came for the free nachos."

10. "Somebody get some ice, Senator Thurmond's beginning to decompose."

9. "Say, brother, is that a covenant in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

8. "One more hug from you, Bob, and I PROMISE I'll kick your ass!"

7. "Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"

6. "Promise, Schmomise-where's all the babes?"

5. "Oh great... They bring a million bibles, but only twenty rolls of toilet paper."

4. "I haven't seen so many men cry since Pam Anderson left Baywatch."

3. "Lord have mercy, all these people and no one to convert."

2. "Hey, isn't that Waldo?"

and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally...

1. "FREEBIRD!!"

St. Peter is tired of standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven, so he notices Jesus walking by and asks him to watch the front desk for a bit. Jesus says he'd be happy to.

In a little bit an old man comes up to the desk very slowly. Jesus takes out form 85-A/j and starts getting the information.

"I'm looking for my son." the old man says.

"And who are you?" says Jesus.

"I'm his Father; well ... not really." says the man.

"Where are you from?"

The old man says he was from the Mediterranean Sea area.

"What did you do in life?"

"I was a carpenter," he replies.

Jesus smiles because this is a profession he can relate to.

"Did you have many children?" he asks kindly.

The old man says, "No, just one son, and he was unlike any other child on earth."

Jesus looks closely at the old man and asks, "Did anything unusual occur the night he came to you?"

"Oh yes," the old man says. "There was this incredibly brilliant star in the sky that lit up all the heavens."

"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.

"He does!" shouts the man.

Jesus puts down the 85-A/j form and holds out his hands, "Father!"

The old man looks at Jesus with a mixture of joy and confusion on his face and asks, "Pinocchio??"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should have never gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Some answers given by students who took a Bible Knowledge quiz.

1. The first book of the Bible is Guinness's in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple.

2. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night

4. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles

5. Unleavened bread is bread with no ingredients

6. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.

7. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines

8. The people who followed Jesus were call the 12 decibels

9. The epistles were the wives of the apostles

10. One of the opossums was St. Matthew

11. Salome danced in 7 veils in front of King Harrod's

12. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

13. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

The Pope dies & goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides to read all of the ancient original texts of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

Suddenly a terrible scream rents the very heavens. The angels abandon their harps and come running, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair in the corner of the library, crying to himself, muttering - "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'!" God takes him aside, offers comfort, and asks what the problem is.

Trying unsuccessfully to collect his wits, the Pope sobs again - "It's the letter 'R' ...the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Father O'leary is doing confession one Sunday when he realizes he has to pee. He peeks his head out of the confessional and sees a group of altar boys sitting in the pews.

He calls out for one and asks the little boy to take his place while he goes to the bathroom, "Whenever they enter, allow them to confess, and using this list, give them the appropriate repentance." There's a list posted on his side of the confessional. "For theft, 6 hail-marys. For murder, 12 hail-marys and an hour of silent prayer, and so on, ya got it?"

The boy nods and proceeds to wait.

Along comes a lady who enters the confessional and begins "Father, it's been 2 weeks since my last confession."

The boy, in a low, manly voice responds "Yes, go on my child."

She continues to tell him that she gave a blowjob to a man who was not her husband.

The boy scans the list saying to himself "Blowjob, blowjob, where's the friggin blowjob".

Well there's no listing for blowjob, so he looks out and asks Tony, another altar boy.

"Hey Tony, what does Father O'leary give for a blowjob?"

Tony goes, "A handful of Gummi Bears and a Snickers bar."

ADAM & WOMAN

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

An elderly parish priest became unhappy with the things he was hearing during Saturday confessions.

After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me 'I have cheated with Anthony... I have cheated with Mary... I have cheated with Frankie.' I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when you come into my confessional, you will say 'I have fallen with Anthony, or with Mary or with Frankie.' No more the word CHEAT. It will be FALL."

About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger man.

No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, "Mr. Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are falling all over the place."

The mayor immediately understood the problem and he leaned back in his chair and laughed.

The priest was puzzled and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing! Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times!"